To date, that whole day still remains a blur.
A few minutes past 1:00pm is when realization hit that the small notice by the secretary’s desk, ‘Out for Lunch’ meant exactly that. No services were to be rendered in this government office from 12:45 to 2:00pm.
We took a stroll down the street in search of small bitings before heading back by two. Our plan was to accidentally run into the Chairlady, Madam Rotich, on her way back to the office and beg, if necessary, to pick up the phone and call the guy in Room 17B and have him give a go ahead for the printing of my emergency passport.
We had looked up her profile on LinkedIn so we knew what she looked like and thank goodness, the moment we walked into the reception area, there she was, walking to the Ladies’ Room. Chris pushed me into following her, and asked that I put on my best acting skills and pretend I had just started my period and didn’t have a pad on me.
Worked like magic!
The 2nd day of this back and forth bribery madness was finally over!
I was directed into a lift by the corner and Chris was to take the stairs back to the ground floor, where he’d wait for me. But first, he needed to use the Men’s Room.
It was barely 15 past 2 when news reached me, and my calls to Chris for an update on what was going on down there went unanswered. At last, the line was picked, and a woman’s voice answered. My all-time best friend of 10+ years, the god father to my daughter, my business partner, the man who was about to pop the big Question to his future Queen, had jumped.
Every time I think about it, my brain goes into hibernation and remains frozen, 100% incapable of even completing the most basic task.
Obviously, everyone wanted to know what happened.
Why did he do it? When did he decide to do it? Did something happen? Why didn’t we see that he needed help? Did he say something? How did he look? Why didn’t he say he needed help? Was he depressed? Does it run in the family? Could he have been going through something? Did he ever try doing this before? Did he at least leave a suicide note?
Statistically, men top in suicide rates because usually, they choose the vilest ways of doing it. They’ll shoot or hang themselves or jump, unlike women who go for pills, poison or cutting. So no, he wasn’t a ‘repeat offender.’
People keep asking me, or rather blaming me, for not being there, even though they never utter those exact words. But, it’s like no one understands that no one will come to you and say they want to kill themselves right there and then. They just do it. So when I see the self-preservation of people posting how if you’re thinking of doing it, you can reach them any time of day or night, and they’ll be there. That’s utter BS. If you can’t pick a random number during the day, while would you do so at 3:33am?
We have all been witnesses of people standing on the ledge. But, it’s like we want to see them in a literal ledge to come through for them yet, that ledge could be a lot of different things.
It’s when a friend loses a job and has no alternative means of survival. It’s when someone borrows you money but are mean towards them or block their numbers. It’s when someone loses someone so close to them and you tell them they need to move on. It’s when a breakup leaves one drained and incapable of embracing singlehood and you tell them there are loads of fish in the sea. It’s when a man finds out none of his kids are biologically his. It’s when workers go for months without pay. It’s when the government refuses to pay its tenderpreneurs. It’s when someone finds they are being cheated on. It’s the negative comments you post on social media. It’s the not standing up for someone who’s being molested. It’s the not stepping up for someone who’s being discriminated against. It’s the not giving a hoot about that someone who’s constantly going to bed hungry. It’s the employee you’re sick of because they are always on sick leave or attending to a sick one. It’s the person who has had to move back to their parents’ home. It’s the classmate who is now addicted to alcohol, miraa or/and other drugs. It’s the widow whose in-laws have taken over all her inheritance and chased her away. It’s basically some and/or all these small and many other little things.
I also know no one ever takes their life for one reason. Your husband cheats on you so you kill yourself? Nah.
It’s the bombardment of more little things that fog your mind and leave you feeling possessed by a power so great that it takes over your will and does whatever it wishes.
...starting with a simple trigger.
Finding a text on your husband’s phone could be this trigger.
With that, you’re left feeling unpretty and undesirable, start obsessing who the other woman is, what she looks like, where she comes from, for how long he’s been with her, wonder what will happen to your kids, how your friends and neighbours will perceive you, how your parents are likely to feel embarrassed of you, how they may not want you to go back, how incapable you are of supporting the kids, what could be done to get you out of the way, what diseases he may have infected you with, how everyone will blame you, what you could or couldn’t have done, how even your father abandoned you as a kid, how everyone abandons you, how you can’t get a job since you decided to take care of the kids till they were old enough, how the kids will have to switch schools, what will you tell the kids, how much weight you’ve gained, how many other women he may have messed with, how many people already know, how there’s no where you can go, how you have no money, how God doesn’t love you, how you don’t want your kids growing in this effed up kind of set up, how alone and destitute you are, how nothing ever works out right in your life…
Next, you go for your poison - whatever it is that will bring you closer to your maker. I always tell people, whatever your poison it, consider it your addiction, and stay away from it. If it’s drowning, stay away from water bodies…don’t even have a bathtub in your home. Is it jumping? Stay off high buildings. As a matter of fact, don’t ever stay above the 1st floor. Is it carbon monoxide. Don’t have a jiko in your home. Is it pills, you don’t need them. In case of an emergency, you call borrow from a neighbour. Same as alcohol, drugs, poison, knives, razors. The rationale behind this is, by the time you realize the poison is out of reach and have to go source for it elsewhere, the ‘possession’ will have drowned itself for its like déjà vu; only takes over your sanity for a couple of seconds or minutes.
Lastly, how hard is it not be someone’s trigger? Be a normal levelled human being and whatever hell you’re going though, find ways to expel it without transmitting it to others - cos’ you never know how intense of a trigger it may be.
On that note, we can all agree that government workers, nurses, makanga, ex lovers, receptionists, employers, kanjo workers, security guards and karaus top the list.
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